Living in a Twilight Zone its so Bloody Boring

Living with cancer is like living in a twilight zone.  You are neither here nor there, up nor down, well or sick.  Your whole life seems to revolve around cancer and the way you are feeling and to be honest it’s really boring!!   You want to do all the things that you normally do but in the end you really can’t as you just don’t have the energy levels.  I hate being sick – I am sick of it :-)    Dont worry still positive and everything just bored :-)

Last night for instance, was a Friday night and always loved a glass of wine on a Friday and play around on my computer.  Last night bought myself a nice bottle of white wine (which was quite low in alcohol in case Doc is reading this) and poured a glass and relaxed by computer. For the life of me could not taste the shagging thing or the large size bag of minstrels I devoured.  I poured myself another glass just “to be sure to be sure” managed to drink the two of them – were they nice?  did I enjoy them?  No not really, however was just trying to be normal and do the things I used to do but ended tucked up in bed before 12 with my beanie to keep me warm.  Suppose for once in my life have to listen to my body and spare people from my musical talents.

Its silly things like this that change,  you get a burst of energy and decide to go out shopping or something or even just down to the village.   You do it but you come back knackered and a little “narky” with the kids.   Think Christmas this year is gonna be a wash out for me personally, will be doing most of the shopping online and will as much as possible try to get in the spirit.  Even bought myself a Christmas headscarf that has Holly all over it!    Its hard trying to always seem in good form with the kids I am sure the last thing they want to see if me being sick.   God sound like I have been really sick to be honest I havent its just more an everyday is an “okish” day if you know what I mean.

Last week was a much better week than the week after the last chemo.  No being on the white phone to God and no mad heart wrenching heartburn or anti-acid.  Made it into work no problem and managed to do a good bit around the house with the help of friends of course.  Even did some work on my own web business which my partner Amanda has been holding the fort for a while and it felt good.  My friend Grainne came up from Wexford on Monday afternoon to help out with kids and house and ended up staying two nights – she never stopped she basically took over the whole house and scrubbed it top to bottom.  We went through around 12 washes, 10 bags of rubbish, 5 bags of recycling – feel like I was cleansed.  Was really great to have her around and was great the house is in much better shape – thanks Gogi!

On Wednesday my great friends from Kilmacud did the Run after Dark in the Park on my behalf on Wednesday evening.  Amazing feeling to know that people care about you enough firstly to organise this for you and then go ahead and do the actual run.   It made me feel very very special girls and I really appreciate it.  Was feeling a bit lazy when I went home from work that night, put my feet up, took my hair off and settled in for a lazy evening and you guys were just starting to run:-)  The girls seemingly were interviewed for TV as well – famous at last eh!  :-)   Hoping to meet them all for a pint in the next week or so.

Yesterday Mary Ball came over to help me with my filing – ha ha ha – filing meant unopened envelopes over 100 of them at least – and that was just the start.  Dont like opening post – always know the ones that might have good news in them and open them,  the others get thrown in a drawer(s).  Whast the point in sending bills when you pay by Direct Debit and you can see them online anyhow!  Thanks Mary also for the shepherds pie it was delicious and it was all gobbled up last night.    You think this was bad we havent tackled the cupboards or beside the microwave yet reckon there must be at least another hundred or so to open and either dump or save :-)

People always asking me how the girls are coping with everything always say really well.  I would say my middle girl Maggie is the one who is finding it the hardest its always hard to know whats going on inside her head.  Maggie has dyslexia and has a fantastic and creative dyslexic personality.   Maggie always does things differently to others which is great and certainly thinks outside the box.  Did you know that 45% of entrepreneurs are dyslexic?  Well they are as obviously they too think outside the norm.  Maggie over the last few weeks has spent most of her time within a few feet of me 24/7 she doesn’t like going places without me and needs a lot of reassurance and attention it’s not all related to my sickness she has a problem with anxiety over the last six months or so.   Maggie loves drawing and making things she was working away the other night for ages and all of a sudden she came in and handed me these pictures – Jesus I nearly cried out loud……..ahhhhh……broke my heart she is obviously thinking about it way more than I think she is.    You just never know what goes on in kids head.  Always really honest and open with her and talk a lot to her about it but you just never know what other people are saying and no doubt she has heard that you can die of breast cancer and I keep trying to explain the sort I have and that I am not going anywhere for a long long long time.

In contrast Beca (my baby) is in the school play this year and asked if I am going to see it – I said of course I am.  Then she says can you go bald? I said of course I can if you want me too………so strange…… like her way of saying its okay to be bald as she was the one at the start that kept saying make sure you were your wig Mammy!     Not sure if I will go bald as they are doing a nativity play and they may mistake me for baby jesus with the head on me!!!!

Good News This Week

  • BEST NEWS - sister all checked with Mammogram and Ultrasound and no breast cancer she will have yearly checks from now on as it’s in the family
  • House is Mega Clean and washing baskets are empty – thanks Grainne
  • Filing is sorted so not wondering about what are in those envelopes anymore – thanks Mary
  • My Brother Colly surprised me with a pressie – tickets to go see Rod Stewart next year – thanks Colly!
  • 1545 people read my blog article on what to look out for in breast cancer – obviously looking at boobs is still quite popular :-)
  • Around 45 people shared the blog and I got loads of enquiries from people and well wishes
  • One lady after following blog went for Mammogram and its all clear – woohoooo
  • Another lady had been putting off a pap smear she reckoned if I could “get my tits out” she could go and have a smear test – which she did :-)
  • Hubby and kids booked a trip to Sweden for five days at end of November (so free house!!!)
  • Got a tax refund (which I owed to someone else) however felt good to pay off that other person
  • I have fan-fucking-tastic friends and family

That’s it folks catch you again soon – thanks for reading and thanks for sharing.  Have a few drinks on me tonight (cherish the taste), go dancing, do something you wouldn’t normally dare do (btw I am not to blame if things go wrong) :-) :-)    But always here if you want to run them by me the day after and keep a sick chick entertained :-)


This entry was posted in My Updates. Bookmark the permalink.

10 Responses to Living in a Twilight Zone its so Bloody Boring

  1. Angela Moore says:

    Ah jeysus you have me bawling again!! Hormones. Got mammogram date – April next year. As you said, if they were at all worried it would be sooner. I am going to give the babs a bottle tonight so I can have a large glass of red and toast you – CHEERS! Get to that pub for a pint soon!, xx

    • deefed says:

      Good woman Angela!!!! I can now proudly put you on my “Tit Ticker” :-) Yeah treat yourself girl – why cos you are worth it and babs is happy when Mammy is happy! Think might make the pub next weekend for one or two!!!

  2. Glitter Mama says:

    You are so brave, I take my hat off to you x And I think it’s fab that you are sharing your journey and keeping others aware of symptoms of breast cancer etc, thank you x

  3. Breda Waters says:

    Morning Dee, another great blog..All of us ladies over 50 are called for regular mammograms every 2years.Am hoping that those who are called go !! and also that if anyone notices any changes in their boobs that they do something about it ! Love to your kiddies,, They are great and very lucky to have you as their Mam! Have you no name for YOUR HAIR ?? Maybe we should run a little poll and see what ur likers come up with .. xxxx

  4. Ger Mullen Carroll says:

    my wish for maggie is to transport her into xmas 2013 to make her dream come true…no cancer…but it will come and it will be sooo special.x

  5. Good woman Dee, always have a smile and a tear when reading your blog, one because you are so honest and the other because i think you are great woman who is a role model to the rest of us on how important it is looking after our health, will meet for a coffee soon xx

  6. Anonymous says:

    What an inspiration u r girl. Loving reading the blog. Keep strong and keep us informed. Sending love n light. June x